*listening to Switchfoot.....of course

- Well, when I sat down I had intended for this entry to be a private one( hint -iz LONG ), but as I started it I realized that these are thoughts and feelings I'd rather share....

Well, it's now just under two weeks, and I've finally made the transition over to being more excited than anxious about returning home.  The past two weeks have been incredibly overwhelming for me, it seemed that everything was just coming at me all at once and for the first time ever I retreated away from the world to take time out for my sanity. In the past with stressful situations I have always turned to my friends and family to support and guide me through but this time I just needed to be by myself.  So, I shut off my phone and it felt so good to not have to deal with anyone else but myself.  It was hard knowing that I was cutting myself off from people but I just felt that I was being pulled in so many directions when all I really needed to do was get everything done on my own terms.

But now I am unearthing myself from those two weeks and I am growing more and more excited about returning back.  Up until last week I had a lot of anxieties about leaving LA.  Although I had made my decision I still had so many doubts about whether I was really doing the right thing.  I was scared that I was being a failure for not being able to stick it out here in LA.  I was scared that I would regret being so far from my closest friends.  And I felt that the last three years I spent down here would be in vain since I just seemed to be leaving behind the whole life I had created for myself.  And naturally, part of me was really apprehensive about being back in an environment where time can move a lot slower than LA - giving me more time to think about Tim.  It will be somewhat inescapeable since his family lives less than a half mile from mine and we have so many mutual friends but thankfully, I am no longer afraid to confront that fear.

A few things happened last week that started to get me really excited and I finally made the emotional transition over to excitement.  My mom emailed me a cute email about Fresh Choice, which, if you're from up north you know what it is.  For those that don't I think you guys have Sweet Tomatoes down here, or Soup Plantation.  Basically it's a huge salad bar that also has soups, bread, pastas, muffins, etc. But it's not just the food, since my mom and I had this ritual throughout my two years of community college where we would get together for lunch every friday.  It was really therapeutic, we'd talk about our week, our problems, our joys, and it was always such a great way to start off the weekend.  Most Fridays we would go to Fresh Choice, although we did go for sushi a lot too but it was always more about the whole experience of it. her little email just reminded me of how great it's going to be to be reunited with my BEST girlfriend.

Then, my friend John emailed me that there is going to be a whole lotta clubbin goin on since he's the new promoter for the asian clubs up north.  And while most of you know that the ASIAN (AZN) scene is not my thing, most of you also know that the alcohol and booty shaking scene is so those two will compensate for it.  His email was a nice reminder that I have friends back home who I haven't really been close to in three years and I am excited to rekindle those meaningful friendships.  I also got ahold of my other really close friend JC and am so excited about being close by to him again - here's to drinking in Palo Alto and late night walks around the beautiful Stanford campus !

And of course, I'm anxious to return back to Jenn since I've missed her more than anything these past four weeks !

Another plus is that my mom's birthday is next month and I love being around for big family occasions.  My lil' mom is turning the big 4-0 ! Yeah, she had me when she was barely legal to drive but I GUESS I turned out alright.....so I am excited that I get to be around for this big turning point in her life.  After that time is going to fly with Thanksgiving and Christmas right around the corner.  There really couldn't be a better time to go home with my favorite time of year coming - the holidays.  That was one of my key factors in deciding whether I wanted to go back since I know that any job down here would not give me that much time off. 

Finally, it was another small thing that kinda clicked it over for me....The Game, with Michael Douglas was on the tv at work the other night and since it's filmed in San Francisco I just couldn't help getting all giddy seeing the cable cars, and thinking about dim sum in Chinatown, walking around Union Square, Haight Street, and Fisherman's Wharf with my old friends...and my new ones.... even as I am typing this I have a HUGE smile on my face and a feeling of peace taking over me.  I no longer have any doubts that I made the right decision and while I will miss some things in LA, and some very quality people, I have so much waiting for me up north and my home is where my heart should be.....

Okay, for those of you that know me well know that would not typically describe myself as a god rock person....i mean, there is NOTHING wrong with listening to godrock but i just never thought i'd be bumping it fearlessly in my car cruising, sunroof open, windows down through la. but i admit - unabashedley....i have been listening to the entire switchfoot album day in and day out.  and i didn't used to understand why people would put song lyrics on their xangas but i guess sometimes we do things we don't really understand...

- fav. part: "cause everything inside looks like everything i hate"

Switchfoot "On Fire"

Tell you where you need to go
Tell you when you'll need to leave
Tell you what you need to know
Tell you who you need to be

But everything inside you knows
Says more than what you've heard
So much more than empty conversations
Filled with empty words

And you're on fire
When He's near you
You're on fire
When He speaks
You're on fire
Burning at these mysteries

Give me one more time around
Give me one more chance to see
Give me everything You are
Give me one more chance to be... (near You)

Cause everything inside looks like
Everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change
You are the only chance I'll take

When I'm on fire
When You're near me
I'm on fire
When You speak
And I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries
these mysteries...

I'm standing on the edge of me [x3]
I'm standing on the edge

And I'm on fire
When You're near you
I'm on fire
When You speak
(Yea) I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries...

and this...<sigh> is what college is all about....so i'm takin a class i absolutely HATE with a passion; comm 153, media aggression against women, or something obvious like that.  basically, he lectures horribly about really "abstract" theories and studies that have shown that, rapists are more likely to enjoy violent porn than women.  wow, now THAT one is a MINDBLOWER, if u ask me.  i'm so glad i'm paying some ungodly amount, like hundreds of dollars per unit, to learn such profound concepts as that.  or, here's another one; men who are more violent in general tend to batter their wives more than men who are not violent.  i know ! i'll stop now cause i don't want your head to explode with all this new information.  plus, you're learning all these high and mighty college concepts for free on my xanga.....haha ! anyways....the past few weeks have actually made my time here in la much more enjoyable.  i've started hanging out with my neighbor, now ex-neighbor/class mate, now ex-classmate, jenn.  finally ! someone to go out and play with all the time ! it's like having the fun boyfriend i've never really had...except that she's a girl and more fun. she's currently living in my livingroom which is fun to come home to but amounts to me really slackin on my schoolwork since i always have someone fun to talk to. but yeah, it's been a nice well rounded variety of thangs, from coffee shops to nightclubs to farmers market, and letterman to reno 911.  it's really nice to have a good friend that enjoys being out n' about as much as me...she's even managed to keep up wit mah crazay energy level...til a good 5am ! i'm impressed....

but yeah, this is the stuff college is made out of - anywho, this class is so bad that i'm obviously not motivated to study for his nit-picky tests so i got a nice 64% on the midterm, which, for layman's terms is a D !  even though the concepts are easy, still doesn't mean i go over them with a fine tooth comb. so, needless to say i kinda started shittin a mini-brick afta i got my midterm grade and THEN also realized that is counted for a wonderful 50% of my grade ! AND to top it off, my old ass has already graduated !!!!!!!!!! so, what happens when u've already graduated, walked, and fail a summer school class that counts for two courses ?! i don't know yet and sure as hell don't care to find out in this lifetime. BUT, on the same token, who doesn't wanna go see Black Eyed Peas in hollywood ? so, i marathon studied and yes, headed out to hollywood tonite to see BEP, despite having my final tomorrow ! isn't that what it's all about ? going out the night before a final, in a class that you're in danger of failing !  they didn't actually perform which was a bummer but it was a coo club and they were dropping their new video n' song.  we got to see rufio, from hook on stage...you all remember him, the guy who calls robin williams pan the man.....so yeah, me n jenn were excited cause we were right up against the stage, so we were a good 12 inches from fergie n' crew, but it woulda been nice to see them perform. so yeah, what this amounts to is kristine up at 3am, still studying but also taking a xanga break, since god knows we all need some of those.  *cross your fingers that i pass this shiet ! so i can go partay it up on thursday.....!!!!!!!!!!!